Beginner’s guideto BDSM

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About The Author

UberKinky has been helping people explore their sexuality and discover new pleasures for over three decades. Whatever gets you hot, we can help you take things to unprecedented levels of pleasure.

Our knowledge and passion for helping individuals find the right type of play for them has resulted in us receiving multiple awards for our products.

You’re about to enter an entirely new world with a secret language all it’s own. Here is a quick glossary to help get you on the right path. The following terms relate to BDSM only and may have different meanings in other contexts.

Scene: This refers to actual BDSM play. Films have given the impression that it is an off-the-cuff session where participants fly by the seat of their chastity pants, but that isn’t the case. The event itself must be planned and thoroughly thought out to be successful. Think of it as a ‘scene’ from a TV show (only much more exhilarating) that has been scripted and rehearsed in the mind of the actors. It’s essential to have in mind exactly how your scene will pan out; what you’d like to happen at the beginning, in the middle and at the end. It will also help to ensure that all of the correct toys and tools are organised and within reach.

Bottoms: ‘Bottom’ can be used interchangeably with ‘submissive’ (although this isn’t always the case - see submissives for more information) and is usually the receiver in a BDSM scene. This can include being tied up, flogged, humiliated or required to serve and take commands from the ‘top’ or ‘dominant’. It also refers to the person being stimulated throughout play.

Tops: ‘Tops’ are also referred to as ‘dominants’ (although, once again, this isn’t always the case - see dominants for more information) and is the one administering play whether that’s flogging, tying up or humiliating the bottom. While they usually run the show, that doesn’t mean they don’t get to enjoy a bit of stimulation themselves. For example, a female top could demand their bottom to penetrate them. Alternatively, a male or female top could instruct their bottom to carry out particular acts on them.

Dominants: Individuals assuming the role of dominants are also referred to as 'tops'. Female dominants are acknowledged as 'dommes' whereas males are referred to as 'doms'. The critical difference between a dominant and a top is that they do not take orders; instead, they give the commands that must be followed by their submissive. They will either administer pain and punishment, command certain acts to be carried out on them and employ control techniques either psychologically or physically, depending on the type of BDSM being engaged. While a dom or domme has full control over what happens in the scene, everything must be laid out in detail and agreed upon by both parties beforehand, and boundaries and limits should never be crossed.

Submissives: Also referred to as a ‘sub.’ While the term ‘submissive’ can be used interchangeably with ‘bottom’ there is a difference at times. For example, a submissive will never give an order or demand, whereas a bottom can. (Of course, they can set hard and soft limits ahead of the scene to ensure they remain safe and comfortable at all times.) Additionally, a submissive may enjoy being commanded to do certain things but may not want to be stimulated themselves.

Sadist: A sadist is an individual who inflicts pain during sexual play. The pleasure is gained from the feeling of empowerment. It is vitally important that a scene is planned in explicit detail, and boundaries are firmly put in place and never crossed.

BDSM should only be engaged if both parties are sane and consensual.

Masochist: A masochist refers to an individual who enjoys having pain inflicted on them. Knowing that boundaries and limits have been set ahead of play allows the masochist to give themselves over entirely to experience knowing that they are in a safe environment.

Hard limits: These should be agreed upon ahead of a scene taking place and outlines any acts a person is unwilling to engage in. These can change at a later date; however, while they are in place, the dom/me must never try to perform that act.

Soft limits: These are also agreed upon ahead of play, but there may be more ‘wriggle room’. It refers to an act or activity that one of the parties are unsure about but are willing to try. Again, the act should be agreed ahead of time to allow the sub time to prepare mentally. When engaging in a soft limits act, it’s a good idea to utilise the traffic light system which is described later on in this guide.

Switch: This is a term used to describe the couple changing roles; whereby a sub becomes a dom/me and vice versa. This is perfect for couples who love to play both roles. It is, at times, also known as being ‘versatile’.

Power exchange: This refers to one person giving power over to another. During this power exchange, the submissive, who has given their power away, must do everything a dominant tells them to. Power is usually exchanged during a scene; however, some couples like to continue this at other times.

It stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism and is a broad term that encompasses many different types of play. You can mix the practices or just stick to one; there is so much power just in deciding which aspect of play you want to try out. It could be anything from wearing a blindfold and engaging in a light spanking to cock and ball torture and suspension bondage.

Types of BDSM

While it's perfectly acceptable to enjoy switching between being a sub and a dom/me, chances are you will have a type. Perhaps you get off on a sensual spanking or love the thought of being teased and humiliated. Alternatively, you may prefer being the one who dishes it out and makes all of the decisions. Perhaps you truly do love each role equally. There are multiple ways to engage in a little bit of brutal BDSM play, but for this guide, we will breakdown this lifestyle into three main categories:

Contrary to popular belief, BDSM is not purely about pain. It is actually about inspiring intense psychological and physical responses within the body as a result of carefully applied stimulus.

Many forms of BDSM trick the body into thinking it is in actual danger or pain. To counteract this, it releases waves of pleasurable endorphins (the body’s natural painkiller), which have a similar effect to morphine or codeine; sending bottoms into an elated state, which is often compared to ‘runners high’, without having to go on a horrific run!

When it comes to the emotional impact of BDSM play, it is profound, to say the least. BDSM typically involves dominants taking complete control over and responsibility for the submissive’s happiness and health. This is what we refer to as power exchange. Being at the mercy of someone else and having pleasure/pain entirely in their hands is exceptionally gratifying. It inspires all new feelings of anticipation and helps bottoms to relax into sensations over which they have no control.

Similarly, being the one in control is an incredible thrill. In addition, the level of trust required for this type of endeavour is sure to strengthen the bond and emotional connection between you both.

So, don’t you think it’s about time to start practising what we preach?

Are you finally liking the sound of BDSM? Got a taste for the idea of submission or domination? Well, you were bound to wake up and smell the coffee when you discovered all of the supreme sensations on offer.

Before we touch on how to stay safe and get started, here are a few BDSM myths turned on their head.

All BDSM is the same

Even inside the three types of BDSM, there are thousands of desires, preferences and scene play. BDSM is a way of life where there is no judgement over someone’s deviant fantasies so long as safety and respect are maintained at all times. Just speak to a few people within the BDSM community to get a feel for how different preferences can be.

You can only enjoy BDSM with your significant other

While BDSM can bring a couple closer together, not everyone will have a taste for this type of play. Additionally, you may not currently be in a relationship but still have a hankering to dominate or be dominated.

Whether you have an agreement with your partner that you can engage in BDSM with someone else, or you are a single person on the prowl, there is an entire community out there and most likely someone willing to be your BDSM partner.

Of course, your companion must be someone you trust 100%, so you mustn’t jump into play with someone you’ve just met. You should meet them multiple times in public spaces and thoroughly vet them before taking the plunge.

In these situations, UberKinky recommends you go down the contract route and don’t engage in play until you are entirely comfortable and safe.

You can jump into BDSM straight away

This is not a lifestyle that should be rushed into. Be aware that it could take several conversations before a submissive feels safe enough to confide in their partner. You need to set boundaries and specify hard and soft limits. For a scene to be successful, and not cause emotional or physical strain, these rules must be adhered to.

Even after you have discussed limits and planned out a scene or two, it will take a few sessions to ramp up to the level you are hoping to get to. Don’t rush this. Take your time, really enjoy the process, and most of all, don’t compare yourself to other BDSM couples.

Get together with your partner for an honest and open discussion about what you want to achieve from a scene. Some couples even like to draw up a contract where they specify what their hard and soft limits are. It may sound clinical, but imagine sitting opposite your partner while you explain in explicit detail everything you want to do to them, or for them to do to you. It will be just about all you can do to keep from ravaging each other right there and then.

Remember that even if you are planning on playing the submissive, this is the part of the experience where you are both equals. Be as honest and transparent as you can. Agreeing to something you are not 100% sure about can be extremely damaging physically, mentally and to the relationship. If this is a struggle, or you can't respect your partner's point of view, then perhaps BDSM is not for you right now.

During your initial discussion or contract briefing, specify a safety word or action. Do you want a simple safety word or would you rather work to the traffic light system where:

1) Green means you’re loving it and to keep going

2) Amber specifies that you are reaching your limits and things should slow down or go softer

3) Red means cease play straight away

Decide what works best and remember that safety terms should be easy to remember but not something you would usually expect to say or hear in the boudoir. Terms like ‘no’ and ‘stop’ should not be used as safety terms, as they could be part of your roleplay and you don’t want any confusion that could lead to your partner unknowingly carrying on when you have reached your limits.

If you are using gags of any kind, select an object that can be dropped or a bell that can be rung to act as a safety action.

And don’t forget that a safety word isn’t just for a sub or a bottom. A dom/me or a top can also use the safety word or action if things are getting too intense.

Safety words absolutely must be honoured. Failing to do so could result in severe harm and is tantamount to abuse. Having this in place is like a safety net; however, it is still vitally important to discuss and agree to boundaries and limits beforehand.

Set your soft and hard limits

Setting limits ahead of a scene is essential to allow both parties to fully submit to pleasure and explore your sexuality in a completely safe environment. There are two types of limits BDSM's tend to set; however, there is no maximum for the number of limitations in each category. The more detailed you can go here will surely make for better play as you will both know exactly what and what not to expect.

Hard limits are essentially acts that you or your partner will not do. Boundaries must be respected, especially if they fall within the hard limits category. Soft limits are activities that you or your partner aren't 100% sure about. This is something you could agree to 'work up to' or 'try' at some point, but to maintain trust, it must be disclosed ahead of time before you attempt it.

As you gain more experience and confidence, nothing is stopping you from revisiting and amending your limits, but it is a process you must go through before any BDSM scenes take place.

Outline the scene

Planning out what play will look like every time may not be something you envisioned doing when setting off on your BDSM adventure. However, when you are a beginner, it is essential to continue building trust every time you initiate a session.

Your sub or bottom needs to be aware of what's coming even if part of the experience is not seeing anything at all. When fully informed of how a session is going to play out the sub can genuinely relax and release themselves to the experience, handing over full control to the dom/me. It also allows them to prepare if a new act is going to be introduced. Think of it more as foreplay rather than a tick-box exercise. Get each other in the mood by teasing with what's to come.

Specify roles

During your fantasies, are you playing the role of the submissive, bottom, dominant or top? Are you ever all? There is nothing saying you can't start as a submissive and then switch places and become the dominant. The beauty of BDSM is that you can be whatever you want to be. Decide ahead of each scene who will play what role and whether there will be a switch. Taking power back and becoming the dominant can be a significant turn on for both of you.

Choose the location

BDSM often involves individuals taking on a specific role or persona. Engaging in the act away from your usual set up can help you fully engage in your role and make the entire experience more exciting. Perhaps you want to play in a familiar setting like your bedroom. Alternatively, you could spice things up in the kitchen or perhaps even a hotel room: the scene can begin in the hotel bar where you 'meet' each other and finish up in the hotel boudoir. You may find that you try all of these and more throughout your kinky journey of discovery.