Beginner's Guide To Safe Words
From more traditional sexual encounters through to BDSM play, safe words should always be at the top of the agenda. A lot of people think safe words only belong in the kinkiest of scene creation, but that’s not the case. Every time you try something new or start session with a new partner, safe words should be agreed and used.
Whatever your situation, you and your partner/s should decide on safe words. You may think that this is a trivial decision, but think again! This is the most important decision you will make. While we will be referring quite often to the kinkier aspects of BDSM play, everything in this guide can be used by partners who don’t subscribe to domination and submission.
About the author
At UberKinky, we want everyone to enjoy the pleasure that comes with boldly exploring your body (and other people’s) in a safe and secure way. We’ve been helping our customer find what works for them so that they can delve deeper into their devious practices.
Our mission began in 1988, and we promise to never stop broadening our horizons so that we can best serve the kinky community.
But enough about us, this is all about you. So let’s delve into the world of safe words so that you can start enjoying yourself.
Safe words are essential code words. They are a way for you to check in with one another during your sexy experiences to make sure everyone is comfortable and happy to continue.
There are three types of safe words:
One that signals you are happy to keep going.
One that highlights that you may be nearing the edge of your comfort zones and need things to slow down.
One that warrants all activity to stop immediately.
Some opt just for the last word, rather than using all three.
Just because someone consents to an activity, doesn’t mean they can’t change their mind, even in the midst of the activity. Safe words are for as and when you need them.
It goes without saying that safe words need to be respected and honoured at all times. Not slowing down or stopping when your partner explicitly tells you to, essentially no longer consencting, breaks down trust and can leave your partner feeling physically and emotionally violated.
In a word - yes! Your safe word is your safety net. Without it you could easily cross the line between consensual and non-consensual, potentially acting out a harmful scene and breaking the trust between you and your playmate.
Sex, particularly in the context of BDSM, can bring with it some pretty powerful emotions, which can be overwhelming. Safe words provide the perfect opportunity for you to take a break to digest any feelings you are having if you need to.
We have another word for you, UberKinky friends - SAFETY!
Safe words are mandatory in any BDSM scene for your (that’s right, you guessed it) safety. So, what sort of situation might you find yourself in that calls for the use of these fundamental words?
To assist you in recognising the importance of your safe words, we have devised this list of scenarios that call for speaking out:
- Panic has set in and you want out, now.
- The pain has become too intense.
- You feel that you are being pulled into a scene that you are uncomfortable with.
- Breath play is too intense and feels suffocating.
- The scene has moved to a level that makes you feel uneasy.
- You start to feel dizzy or nauseated.
- You need a break or want to discuss something before proceeding (calls for use of a cautionary safe word).
So you’re sold on the idea that safe words are a necessity, but you are still unsure of how to decide on yours? Well, not to worry curious compadres, we are here to help.
Remember that either party can use a safety word. You should check in with each other throughout the session to ensure everyone is having a good time. Using a safe word doesn’t neccessarily mean the experience is over, it simply means that you need to take a break to talk and change things up, that is, of course, unless the word that calls for an immediate stop is called out.
Checking in doesn’t have to be a clinical thing, you can have a lot of fun finding cheeky ways of checking in throughout play.
When choosing your words:
Do
- Agree what words will be used - before the scene begins.e
- Only use a safe word when necessary - we don’t want a ‘crying wolf’ situation.
- Make sure there is a surface nearby - if your safe action requires it (more on safe actions further down).
Don't
- Refrain from using the words - if you are uncomfortable. As soon as you start to feel even slightly uneasy or uncomfortable, use the word and take a breath and talk to your partner.
- Agree to play out a scene - with anyone who does not respect the use of a safe word.
- Use a gag - if you haven’t agreed on a safe action.
What are good safe words?
'Ouch', 'No' and 'stop' will be bandied about haphazardly throughout your role play as part of a scene, so how do you know when 'no' actually means 'no'?
Well you don't! That's why it is crucial to decide on a safety word or system beforehand
Our favourite has to be the traffic light system. It may be an oldie, but it is definitely a goody! This system of safe words promises to steer you in the right direction. Although it’s a straightforward concept, we like to make things as simple as possible, so we have broken it down for you below:
"Red" - Stop - you are uncomfortable with the situation and want to stop immediately.
"Yellow/Amber" - Slow down - you are approaching your limit. This cautionary safe word can also be used to indicate that there is an issue that needs addressing, or that a short break is required.
"Green" - GO, GO, GO - you are completely at ease with the situation and want more.
If the traffic light system is not for you, we recommend choosing something that is:
- Funny or unusual to immediately break the scene
- Keep it short and sweet - no longer than two syllables
- Choose a word that is easy to remember
Many BDSM players actually choose 'safeword' as their safe word as it it is simple, straight to the point and easy to remember.
Funny safe words
Perhaps you want something that will break the scene with laughter. Here are ten suggestions, but feel free to get creative with your choices:
- Grandma
- Jedi
- Pie
- Cheese
- Elmo
- Dude
- Clown
- Soup
- Fish
- Chopstick
It’s pretty hard to verbalise a safe word when chomping down on an UberKinky gag. But that doesn’t mean that safe words go out the window. When figuring out what words you’ll use, spare an extra moment or two to agree on a safe action.
Once again, we are here to lend a helping hand, so here are a few safe actions to get your mind working to choose your very own (or steal one of ours if you’re feeling naughty).
- Open and close your hands repeatedly
- Blink your eyes a specified number of times
- Nod or shake the head an agreed number of times
- Ring a small bell
- Snap your fingers
- Drop an item that has been gripped in one hand throughout the scene
- Tap a nearby surface three times
Now you’ve agreed on your safe words and actions you’re almost good to ‘green’. Just one more thing; aftercare.
There will be both physical and emotional needs to be tended to. These include:
- Washing any toys you used
- Nibbling on chocolate to replenish sugar levels
- Having a shower or bath (optional) to keep your body temperature up while you recover
- Talking with your partner about the experience: What you enjoyed, What you weren’t so keen on
Remember; safe actions or words are there to protect the participants, it should not be used as a pushing point. No matter how experienced you are, you should bring these with you to every session.
